just like a star :)

I keep almost forgetting I have an LJ.

I'm/We're almost done with thesis, and only make-up days left for internship, and, well... I think I'm going into withdrawal.


I always knew, always felt, always had it said to me, that I tend to make unnecessary connections with patients. Fine. It helps me, I think. That way I get to see the point in staying, in going to class, in pushing through with internship, in drawing it out, blah blah blah... Besides, is that a bad thing? Making connections with your patients? Okay that's not even a question. Professionalism leaves no room for little girls inclined to being co-dependent. Like me. Blah blah blah.

Point in case, I miss patient care. Especially direct adult patient contact. I miss Digi-flex exercises, Power web reps, Thera-bands and Theraputty graded from very soft to Firm, I miss the standbox, weightbearing, scapular mobilization, motor relearning. Agh. What I wouldn't give to just trade ALL these pedia papers for weeks and weeks of actual adult patient care. Cmon, bring it on.



ADULT. Huhuhuhu. :(

I would definitely read what the girl me is reading right now:



Oooooooooooooooooohhhhhh homeboys have just got to read this. SRSLY. Make a girl attracted to you in three simple steps. Self-help at its finest this is. Haha ang sabaw. Pero siryus talaga, my past 20-something hours has been mind-blowing with discoveries. So. Maybe I'll start hating boys even more from now on. Style. Boys better find new ones. I'm watchin yaaaaaa.

I know, I know, I told you we both need this, I told you that there are some things you must pursue, work for, and achieve on your own.






But I didn't tell you to break my heart.

Naisip ko lang na wala naman talagang silbi itong LJ ko, bukod sa isang pindot lang updated na ko sa LJ ng ibang friends - na hindi naman talaga nagu-update! Ni hindi ko nga napapakinabangan yung friends only o iba pang features. Sayang lang. Balik muna tayo Blogger, where stars are made and dreams are born. Yehey.

Tuwing naririnig ko to, bumabalik ako dun sa bus ride papuntang Laiya kung saan sinabi ni Anali na "May paparinig ako sayo, pakinggan mong mabuti bagay sayo" tapos pinlay niya to tapos nirecite niya yung mga lyrics na di ko maintindihan tapos pinlay niya ulit TAPOS tinulugan niya ko. Nice one.

Nagpapaantok ako kagabi, eh isa to sa mga favorite pampaantok ko kasi nakakaantok talaga. Di naman na ko masyadong affected nito dati, ewan ko ba. Pasko kasi. At malapit na magpasukan ulit. Ibig sabihin nun, tatlong buwan na lang summer na naman. Ibig sabihin nung wala na naman akong gagawin. Ibig sabihin nun panibagong summer song na naman. New song, same story. Same summer.

I used to be a summer person. Swimming, pagpapasunog sa ilalim ng araw, beach, hiv outing, banana boat, island hopping, paglulublob sa dagat habang nagududugtungan ng kanta hanggang sa kumulubot na mga paa't kamay namin. Ngayon, ewan. The prospect of summer. The same summer.


Sana maging masaya ang Paskong to. At least happy enough to tide me over till June.











When you're gone, promise it's going to be okay..

Great. Ang galing. Bongga talaga ang timing ko, impeccable. Edi pag-uwi ko, aral mode na talaga yung utak ko, as in mentally outlined na yung sequence of aral stuffs para sa buong gabi, tapos pagdating ko wala palang tao. Si mommy late pa raw. Wala si kuya samantalang buong linggo nasa bahay lang siya! Si ate may Bacbacan. Lintek, ngayon pa ko di nagdala ng susi! Waaaah bwakanang syet ang sayang ng buong gabi ko. Inubos ko lang sa alva.Buti sana kung may academic substance chorva yung ginagawa ko sa net, kung may some form of learning ba kong nakukuha sa pagbabasa ng bryanboy.com at kung anik-anik pang blog ng mga bading. Haha in fairness, ang saya nung parang competition ng gay bloggers, basahin niyo! Eh kaso wala. Maga-alas nuebe na wala pa kong naaaral kahit anooooooo. Oh noes.

We were off to Jollibee for my much-awaited Chickenjoy dinner when I glimpsed a familiar face from the windows of McDo: and bestfriend ko nung grade school. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Ang saya! Kakalabitin ko lang dapat siya tas magbababay na ko, muntik pa siyang mabilaukan. Hinug niya ko pero tawa siya ng tawa tas di siya makapagsalita haha. Di ko man lang nahingi yung number niya, nabigay yung number ko, ni di man lang kami nakapagkamustahan. Hahaha mukha siguro kaming gaga dun, tawa tas hug tas tawa tas hug tas uubo siya tas tatawa na naman tas hahug na naman niya ko. Hahaha naaning eh. As in di kami nakapag-usap, walang isang buong sentence na nasambit sa pagitan naming dalawa. Weird. Wurrrrd. Oh well. Kahit hindi siya yung pinakamatagal kong hindi nakita, na-miss ko siya. Yez emote. And it was fun to feel like that for a change. To have someone so enthusiastic to have seen you.







I miss the whole neighborhood.

Ang babaw kong tao.

Ang babaw ng mga pangarap ko, ng mga gusto kong marating, ng mga problema ko. Mas marami pang problema ang mundo. Napaisip nga ako sa sinabi ni Anali dati, parang ako rin kasi. Andami kong pinoproblema na kung tutuusin eh dapat kebs lang samantalang siya pinoproblema kung paano patatalsikin si Gloria, etc. Mas marami pang problema yung kaklase kong bumagsak sa ibang subject. Mas marami pang problema yung ate na binibilhan ko ng spaghetti sa school. Mas marami pang problema yung driver ng fx na sinasakyan ko.

Hindi ko na dapat pinapansin yung mga walang kwentang bagay, things I lose sleep over when I shouldn't. Things that, in the long run, don't matter. Linsyak naman kase, lahat napapansin ko. Lahat pinoproblema ko. Bawat salita, binabasa. Bawat galaw, ina-analyze. Minsan tinitignan ko lang yung mga tao sa paligid ko, sinuscrutinize. Maski dapat nakikinig ako sa naglelecture na doktor. Isang pilantik ng boses, apektado na'ko. Isang comment na medyo off, buong hapon na ko magmumukmok sa mundo ko. Ano beh. Ayoko na ng ganito. Gusto ko maging mababaw, pero yung mababaw na masaya. Yung tawa na lang.

Di na 'ko iiyak ulit sa mga mababaw na bagay. Di ko na sasaktan ulit ang sarili ko. Di na ko maghahanap ng mga bagay na magpapababa ng tingin ko sa sarili ko. Di na ko maghahanap ng bagay na pag-iisipan at poproblemahin; kung gusto ng isang bagay na problemahin ko siya, siya ang pumunta sakin. Smile. Di ka nag-iisa. Marami pang ibang alien sa Earth.





Huh.

Diliman Day nung Thursday.. Wuhooooooooo. Ang saya. Kahit super ulan to death, walaaaaa lakwatsa pa rin. Sabay pa kami "pumasok" ni ate at aba, yung pila ang haba. Goodness.

Di ko rin naman nakasama HIV friends, kasi naman. Busybusyhan lahat. Haha. Parang bawal ko sila makasama lahat, laging one at a time! Una si Marnex na sabi nasa CAL siya, edi mega adventure ako sa CAL sa lakas ng ulan, tapos yun pala, nasa FC siya. Parang di dun nag-aaral eh. Nilibre niya ko ng magnificent monay with cheese tapos tumengga lang sa as para maghintay sa kung sino man ang dadating. Dumating si Imma with her shining shimmering Sony something. Di ko maalala. Haha. Clie yata, parang ganun. Lalong lumakas ang pag-asam ko sa Nintendo DS waah. Nang malapit nang mag-physics si Marnex, dumating na si Anali! Awww sayang sit-in, sorry. haha.

Ang lupit lang ng laptop ni Anali alavit. Picturepictuuuuure. Sinamahan ko siya mag-prerog sa PI (na di rin naman niya nakuha) at andami kong nameet the friends maygad.Parang jowa lang. Haha. Tapos iniwan niya ko. :( Huhu. :( hahahaha. Oh well. Dumating din naman si Leooooooo, na kasabay ko naglunch. Feel na Feel pa namin mag-beachhouse in the rain, tapos sarado naman pala pahiya lang kami. Sa casaa kami nauwi, ewwwwwwww. Grabe the food in that place. Haha. Sos samin nga naka-styro lang masarap naman! Nung malapit na umalis si Leo dumating na si Gelene, tapos nag lunch sila tapos iniwan na kami ni Leo tapos iniwan na rin ako ni Gelene at ta-daaaaaaaaaaa, John Lloyd time na!!! WUHOOOOO!!

Grabe ang experience haha. Parang nanonood ka ng bed scen sa movie na kasama mo ang nanay mo, di ka maka-react. Atras ng atras yung luha ko, kulang na lang paypayan ko para matuyo agad bago pa man bumagsak! Sa trailer pa lang naisip ko na na medyo familiar yung storyline, pero jossss ko, di ko inexpect na tatamaan ako ng ganun! Haha. Well actually, more of siya yung tinamaan, ako naiiyak lang just for kicks. Haha. Pak talaga the story. Tama nga si Imma, ambigat Haha. At tama siya na basta umibig ka at nasaktan tatamaan ka. Chos. CHOS!!!


First scene pa laaaaang, jusko. Inuman with "bestfriend."  Talaga nga naman!

------------------

Tag-gutom to the super high level nga pala ako ngayon, tipid sobra kasi pinag-iipunan ko ng maigi ang isang bagay na never kong naisip na gugustuhin ko.. isang Nintendo DS Lite. Wuuuu. As in never ko pa siya narinig o kahit ano, once ko lang nakita sa isang blag na di ko man lang kilala yung may-ari, tas parang ang ganda ganda ganda lang talaga niya. Hindi ako gamer, di nga ko nage-enjoy sa PS2 kung hindi harry potter o guitar hero yung nilalaro ko, pero isang tingin lang sa Nintendo DS Lite:




<3 <3 <3 haaaaay grabe. Kebs kung pumayat ako ng pumayat. Saka na ko kakain pag kasabay na kita.

You - 1.



Me - 5.




You are so going to sorely pay for tonight, you drunken little dog.

I'm sorry, driving you crazy so near to the doom that is second sem.

I probably should really, really stop sleeping at 4 am. 4 am is not legitimate bedtime. 4 am was last sem's wake-up time. If I go on sleeping at 4 am, pano na lang sa pasukan? Rarrr.

----------

Instead of preparing for school and getting started on the sembreak homework (yes we do have homework, sucks to be me), I spent the whole day reading up on the Tarot. Kuya has this special set, Vertigo, which isn't the ordinary Tarot deck. It's based on characters from the Sandman series, so you see there Delirium, Destiny, John Constantine, etc etc. I read the book until my head began to hurt (4 am na ko natulog tas7 ako nagising!), and when it did, I decided I was ready for my first reading.


Awwwwwwwwwwwww mehn. The pesky little Death card keeps popping up, almost every single time. I don't know what that means. Well, of course I read what it means, but I don't know what the peskiness means. It shows up at least once in all of the questions.


Release from old patterns. The end of something that has become burdensome, meaningless. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Or, at least, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

Aynako. Kaines. Pagkatapos ng isang linggong pagpapaka-happy, bumigay ako. Di siguro kinaya ng hippocampus ko o ng limbic system ko o kung ano mang naka-assign sa mga ganitong boring na pangyayari. Akala ko back to square one ako, takot na takot ako mehhhn. Hindi pala. Di ko alam kung pano ko nalaman na hindi, pero alam ko lang na hindi. Dahil optimistic ako. At dahil kinabukasan eh buhay pa ko, humihinga, at hindi umiiyak. Surprise. You're beginning to go Snakes&Ladders on your emotions.


Di ko alam talaga kung anong dapat gawin. Lahat ng akala kong kailangan ko, di naman nagmaterialize. Di ako nakapag-outing. Di ako nakapagpaka-sporty. Di ako nakainom. Di ako nakapagbabad sa pag-aaral. In short, hanggang ngayon, tapos na ang sembreak, stuck pa rin ako sa last two months ng first sem ko. Malungkot. Kunwari masaya. Insecure. Kunwari confident.




Kulang. Kunwari buo.


Pakshet. Mismo.

Hindi talaga ako nagbabasa ng horoscope sa Friendster. Sa Libre siguro oo pero hanggang dun lang.

I'm learning how to be happy. Haha it still sounds so funny. I know of at least six different people who would snicker at that statement, especially coming from me.


Or at least, I'm trying to. And yesterday and today, was such a big step. I expected myself to baby-step my way to to finish line, but no. I manage to amaze even myself.










So thank you. :)

I'm letting it all go. I wasn't in the position to say all those things, and I still am not. And, I probably won't be for a very long time. So, this is it. Brace yourselves.






I'm sorry.




Yes, that's from me, no dripping sarcasm involved. I really am sorry. I hope you get to read this, and I hope you know that it's for you. I was hurt, betrayed, lied to, and I'm pretty sure you know how it damn feels. Try to understand. If you can't then fine. I've said my piece. I've said two of my pieces actually, and now I'm saying sorry. Accept the apology or not, the whole months of September and October have been a struggle, but a learning experience for me. And I know enough to just let all things go.


I don't do apologies, see. Especially not after I've been in a major one-way catfight, replete with bitch-slapping and a full sitout facebuster on you, short of a blitzkrieg, all on my blog. But today's different, and on today's special is a very rare, sincere apology. I'm sorry.




Out.

I'd never call myself the weakest link, but if this is going to be a daily, a weekly thing, if every other day I'm going to have to face things like this where I feel inadequate placed beside you, if my picking up the pieces each day becomes your cue to crush them some more, then I can't do this.













Please stop. You're perfect, everyone loves you, and I know that. This is about all I've got, and I can't deal with this right now. I know you don't owe it to me to do so, but please. Stop.

Here's what I know.

I don't know you. I don't give a damn about you. I don't even think you're worth knowing, so I don't really care. All I care about, is YOU, finding the FINE LINE YOU HAVE TO NOT CROSS, and NOT CROSSING IT. Because I swear, you are seriously toeing the line. One more step and I'm kicking your ass out of this planet. Know where you stand, bitch, and stay there.
























This is me showing you how it's done. Sure this is a bitchy thing to do, bashing you on my blog, but I don't care. I hope you read this, and get out of my face.

Last Friday we were at K-Ann's (again) to prepare for the second physical dysfunctions lab exam (again! damn!) The phys-dys exams have been a once-a-week thing for three weeks, it's like we couldn't get enough of it. Or rather they couldn't get enough of us. The last exam was just four hours back and already I wish everyone would just get over it. Especially me. Garrrrr.

Anyway, that's not the point. So we were there supposedly to prepare for the exam, make up our own Tagalog translations, practice ROM measurements on each other using our magical goniometers, and of course indulge in good food. If it were up to me, I would have predicted that once everyone was wasted and all brains were burned out, it was sleepy-bye-bye already.. I didn't expect that inviting them to play an innocuous game of heart attack would spark... all that. Hehe. Di ko alam ano itatawag e.

Kasi naman. Noh. Ako ang nagyaya, ako pa unang natalo. at napakaganda pa ng truth question ko. Oh well. Sa susunod, ittrain ko na talaga ang reflexes ko, para panalo ako lagi mapa-heart attack pa yan o 123 pass. But then again, it was fine. I used to think we girls weren't friends like that, but this most recent sleepover proved otherwise. Di ko alam kung yung pagkain ba yun, o yung pinanood namin sa HBO na halos magising na sila Tita Olie sa kakatili (at kakatalon!) nila Ella at Iya (hindi na nahiya), o yung popcorn na magic dahil sobrang perfect mag-pop, o yung sangkatutak na chichirya ni Kei, o yung amaaaaazing camera ni Iya na wala lang, trip lang niya umutang sa ate at bumili ng Cybershot, o yung magic Mickey Mouse shirt na tatlo kaming meron pala, o yung fact na for the first time eh nasa kwarto kami ni Kei at hindi sa guest room, o yung fact na nagwre-wrestling kami (with matching sabit sa poste ng four-poster bed sabay talon at "BOG!***" na sound effects) pag bored na, o yung fact na palaging nasa kwarto si Darren at kinikiliti/nirewrestling/sinusuntok/nanghihila ng buhok/nangungulit/pinipichuran kami, o wala lang, stressed lang kami talaga at gusto namin maglabas ng lahat ng sama ng loob... Ang dami pala naming sama ng loob. Or not. Baka ako lang. Ops joke lang.


Anyway, it was super fun. I know I can't say I miss being like that because we friends were never like that to begin with, but it was refreshing to be so, for a change. OH nooooo, sappy. You haven't seen action in such a long time, wawa girl.

I already said before, not once but twice. I'm not good with goodbyes. But some things just come and with these things come the things you have to let go. And I understand.




I understand. You, me, us, and everybody else who had the gall to join in on all the long drawn out hullabaloo. I understand that people talk, and this talk touches on a lot of things, people, happenings, and it most definitely will touch on you at one point. And it has on me, more than usual, but I understand. And I understand that we're two very different people now, changed persons, maybe better maybe otherwise, but that doesn't matter. The fact is that the change has come, something we never predicted would come, or, rather, something we always predicted would never come, for those are two very different things, and with this comes the things we have to let go. And I hate this, but see. I don't think I have much of a choice now.











Signing off for the nth, and final, time...








Goodbye,
Lorine.

make room for the prey
'cause i'm coming in
with what I wannna say but
it's gonna hurt
and i love the pain
a breeding ground for hate but
i'm not
not sure
not too sure
how it feels
to handle everyday
like the one that just passed
in the crowds
of all the people

remember today
i've no respect for you
and i miss you love
and
i miss
you
love..



miss you love
silverchair







So even with tons of overloaded (tons na, overloaded pa) homework to do, i go off and write this old-school e-mail. And end up crying. I don't think this is what birthday greetings are supposed to be like.